Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
