You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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