Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
