woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
