you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I AM VODKA MAN
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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