I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
this just has baby written all over it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
