I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
