I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
