I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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