If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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