I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
