The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
