I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
