Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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