Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
