Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me