all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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