so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Randomize
