I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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