i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize