God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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