I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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