I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
