So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
