I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
