i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
how do you play pong handcuffed?
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she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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