forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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