I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
