About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
