Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
