I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
only you would photoshop your dick
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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