My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
