im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
