Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
