don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This baby is an asshole
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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