My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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