I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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