I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize