dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
this is an emotional support booty call
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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