Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
