I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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