Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
