I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
