i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
