I smell stomach acid.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
