yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
