I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
