I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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