nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
