a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
