I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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