I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
