i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
