this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
