wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
