we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
